I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i love accidental penises.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
