so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
