Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
