OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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