ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
