true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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