I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
