That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
