overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize