I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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