you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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