ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
