we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
