He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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