Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
