I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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