Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
so much tequila, so little girl.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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