I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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