I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
