6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
