I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
