just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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