got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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