Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I love having hate sex.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
