how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
