Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
