when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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