my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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