Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
