Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
