Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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