My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
