Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
