After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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