Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
