Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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