I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
