why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
