life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
