Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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