mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize