dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
