just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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