Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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