i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He did a backflip because drugs
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
