i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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