thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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