her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
