And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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