She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
