This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
