i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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