My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
