I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
