dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
