i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
