I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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