Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize