Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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