Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
