I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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