you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
did i just pee glitter
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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