I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
