this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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