I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
