True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
