hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
