i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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