nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
