i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
