the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize