Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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