Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
